“Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.” – Les Brown
"I'm not gonna say I've never tasted alcohol," Joe said, and then looked at my face to see my reaction. "Dad even gave me a sip of his beer before. But to take a bottle of it to school is a little bizarre to me."
Joe almost never talked to me, and I couldn't remember the last time he was in my room, except to use my sink. I was almost as shocked at his desire to discuss Jessa's current issue as I was at Jessa.
But then again, this was just another day in the life of Jessa. At least once a week, "something" happened that landed her in trouble with more people than just mom.
"I wish she would... talk to me... I feel like there's something that happened and she just can't overcome it," I said. "But until she chooses to let someone in, I'll keep praying for her."
"Like that does much - she could care less that you pray," Joe said.
"Maybe you're right, but I'm praying to God, not just air. And God cares just as much about Jessa as He does about you and me. Maybe praying does more for keeping my heart in tune with the things I can do and say, than it effects Jessa directly, but sometimes she is given awfully big chances to turn around... like the accident." I paused, thinking about the crash last year, which was one of the many reasons Jessa hadn't graduated.
Joe shrugged. "I know you care, Jaimie. Just don't waste your time on her problems that you need for school and stuff." He walked out, looking back a second. "If any of us make something of ourselves, it will be you."
I felt confused about that last part. I sighed, and started to turn back to my homework. Then I decided to write Jessa "an invitation," like when we were really small. It was for 10pm, and would involve candy and sodas, if I could find soda in this house. I slipped the note under her door, and went back to my room.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” ― Robert Frost
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost
Even though I'd been super worried about the reactions I'd gotten, especially at the end of lunch, I finally realized they would all forget those things in about 5 minutes, anyhow. The girl that was in my class, Katie, walked with me, and she chatted about her assignments so far.
I was surprised when, right before class started, Katie said, "I don't really like it when everyone talks kike, well, you know, they did at lunch. I just, I don't know, never said anything about it. I like how you are confident enough about what you think..."
Just then we were instructed to open our books, so I just smiled and nodded.
----------------------------------
This afternoon was really hard. I was pretty tired, so I thought I might take a nap before dinner. When I walked in the door, I didn't even think about it again until bed time. Something was up, and I knew it immediately, because mom was in the kitchen, crying.
Jessa had somehow gotten home before the rest of us. I knew that, because she wasn't on our bus. When I asked Joe, he said not to have the driver wait, and I asked him if he knew something, but he walked to the back of the bus. I assumed she was going home with a friend.
I sat down at the table, but I didn't ask anything, not because I was scared, not because I didn't care, but because I knew I probably couldn't solve it, and I just wanted to fix whatever happened. I got up eventually, and started looking through the fridge for dinner options. Mom finally said something. "I just don't know why she has to get kicked out the second day of school!"
I was the third child, not an expert on life, not really sure what to do. So I just hugged her and hoped whatever it was, that it wasn't too bad.
― Robert Frost
Even though I'd been super worried about the reactions I'd gotten, especially at the end of lunch, I finally realized they would all forget those things in about 5 minutes, anyhow. The girl that was in my class, Katie, walked with me, and she chatted about her assignments so far.
I was surprised when, right before class started, Katie said, "I don't really like it when everyone talks kike, well, you know, they did at lunch. I just, I don't know, never said anything about it. I like how you are confident enough about what you think..."
Just then we were instructed to open our books, so I just smiled and nodded.
----------------------------------
This afternoon was really hard. I was pretty tired, so I thought I might take a nap before dinner. When I walked in the door, I didn't even think about it again until bed time. Something was up, and I knew it immediately, because mom was in the kitchen, crying.
Jessa had somehow gotten home before the rest of us. I knew that, because she wasn't on our bus. When I asked Joe, he said not to have the driver wait, and I asked him if he knew something, but he walked to the back of the bus. I assumed she was going home with a friend.
I sat down at the table, but I didn't ask anything, not because I was scared, not because I didn't care, but because I knew I probably couldn't solve it, and I just wanted to fix whatever happened. I got up eventually, and started looking through the fridge for dinner options. Mom finally said something. "I just don't know why she has to get kicked out the second day of school!"
I was the third child, not an expert on life, not really sure what to do. So I just hugged her and hoped whatever it was, that it wasn't too bad.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. - Gilda Radner
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and
making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. - Gilda Radner
If that's true, I sure did feel like it at lunch today. Yesterday I'd sat outside, alone. Today I sat down at a table... apparently the wrong table... and was basically asked to move. It was only then I realized everyone at that table was hispanic and only speaking Spanish among themselves. So I sat down at the very next table, without looking up. And this time I chose to move; the boys at this table were throwing things, and loud, like they wanted to start something.
Finally, a girl waved me over. "You're in my class, aren't you? Sit with us!" Even though this invitation was warm and friendly, I felt like being cautious. I sat down and tried to catch on to the conversations they were already engaged in. I honestly didn't know who they were talking about, but they sure did talk about a lot of other people.
"So, what class do you all have after lunch?" I asked. I was met with at least four pairs of stares - no one wanted to talk about class. The first girl answered, "That's when we have physical science together, so you know my next class!" The others started asking her what guys were in that class and other classes. I felt really distant at that point... but I wanted friends, so I tried to listen.
"And Lexi's in that class - you know, Lexi, with the red hair?" Everyone except me nodded.
"You don't know Lexi? She's only been with like, every guy that went to Westside Middle!" one girl informed me. They were all groaning and adding their juicy bits.
Well, I couldn't just sit there. I felt like I was a part of it by not doing anything. "Hey, umm, can we just stop talking about other people?" There were the stares again. "I mean, what about clubs? Or anybody going to do any sports this year?" I suddenly wanted to disappear. I can't believe I just said that... did it really matter if they just talked about people? I could find a new seat tomorrow. I could have just left off that first bit...
The bell rang, and everyone dispersed, except the first girl.
If that's true, I sure did feel like it at lunch today. Yesterday I'd sat outside, alone. Today I sat down at a table... apparently the wrong table... and was basically asked to move. It was only then I realized everyone at that table was hispanic and only speaking Spanish among themselves. So I sat down at the very next table, without looking up. And this time I chose to move; the boys at this table were throwing things, and loud, like they wanted to start something.
Finally, a girl waved me over. "You're in my class, aren't you? Sit with us!" Even though this invitation was warm and friendly, I felt like being cautious. I sat down and tried to catch on to the conversations they were already engaged in. I honestly didn't know who they were talking about, but they sure did talk about a lot of other people.
"So, what class do you all have after lunch?" I asked. I was met with at least four pairs of stares - no one wanted to talk about class. The first girl answered, "That's when we have physical science together, so you know my next class!" The others started asking her what guys were in that class and other classes. I felt really distant at that point... but I wanted friends, so I tried to listen.
"And Lexi's in that class - you know, Lexi, with the red hair?" Everyone except me nodded.
"You don't know Lexi? She's only been with like, every guy that went to Westside Middle!" one girl informed me. They were all groaning and adding their juicy bits.
Well, I couldn't just sit there. I felt like I was a part of it by not doing anything. "Hey, umm, can we just stop talking about other people?" There were the stares again. "I mean, what about clubs? Or anybody going to do any sports this year?" I suddenly wanted to disappear. I can't believe I just said that... did it really matter if they just talked about people? I could find a new seat tomorrow. I could have just left off that first bit...
The bell rang, and everyone dispersed, except the first girl.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”― Søren Kierkegaard
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”― Søren Kierkegaard
In this way, sometimes, life seems cruel to me. Why don't we know more about what we should have done before it's too late to change it?
But I know God isn't this way, nor did He originally design our lives to be this way. When the first choice to sin happened in the world, it didn't just have a little effect or effect some things. It effected everything and everyone. And in my mind, high school was a great example of people who have been effected by, and choose, the allurements of sin over the sometimes more subtle satisfaction of being self-less, kind, courageous, honest, and other admirable character traits.
So I learned a lot of things the hard way my first day at school. Like that the toilet paper is stored outside the bathroom, on the wall, and everyone sees how much you get. The administration apparently did that because kids kept throwing the rolls in to stop up the toilets.
And even though there was an admin watching the bathrooms... she didn't seem to notice when the boy went in that was in the stall with the girl next to my stall. It was pretty obvious what they were doing. Should I have bothered mentioning it to her? But, I did, because it was awkward... "Ummm, there was a boy in there... in the stall with a girl." She looked around alarmed, then asked me why I wasn't headed to class - the bell rang.
I was late to my first class ever in high school. Of course, this was the one day pretty much everyone else was on time. I walked over to a free seat. It seemed like only the ones in the front were left. The teacher was already talking, so I just had to hope I hadn't missed much.
I stared at my binder, where I had written quotes from people I considered inspiring and Scriptures I liked to remember throughout the day.
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.” CS Lewis. Well, some classes felt like a waste of those minutes today. "Thirst was made for water; inquiry for truth." Another CS Lewis quote - but I didn't get to ask any deep questions today. Mostly I asked about the basic classroom rules... I don't know if I wasn't listening, or if the teachers just always responded so harshly... but there was a lot of information. I finally decided just not to ask any more questions for the rest of the day.
The thing is, nothing happened today. There was no moment when I didn't just feel ordinary. There was no moment when I could see anything of any significance, anything that might be a great opportunity to be a light to others, to encourage anyone in particular... I just barely got to my class, wrote down notes, and packed up just to repeat the whole process. I wasn't any different from any other kid this first day of school, and I didn't even have any new friends to distract me from the fact that I didn't recognize almost anyone else there.
Maybe tomorrow, I thought to myself. I hugged one of my binders closer on the bus, reciting one of the verses I had been staring at.
Romans 5:15
"But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many!"
In this way, sometimes, life seems cruel to me. Why don't we know more about what we should have done before it's too late to change it?
But I know God isn't this way, nor did He originally design our lives to be this way. When the first choice to sin happened in the world, it didn't just have a little effect or effect some things. It effected everything and everyone. And in my mind, high school was a great example of people who have been effected by, and choose, the allurements of sin over the sometimes more subtle satisfaction of being self-less, kind, courageous, honest, and other admirable character traits.
So I learned a lot of things the hard way my first day at school. Like that the toilet paper is stored outside the bathroom, on the wall, and everyone sees how much you get. The administration apparently did that because kids kept throwing the rolls in to stop up the toilets.
And even though there was an admin watching the bathrooms... she didn't seem to notice when the boy went in that was in the stall with the girl next to my stall. It was pretty obvious what they were doing. Should I have bothered mentioning it to her? But, I did, because it was awkward... "Ummm, there was a boy in there... in the stall with a girl." She looked around alarmed, then asked me why I wasn't headed to class - the bell rang.
I was late to my first class ever in high school. Of course, this was the one day pretty much everyone else was on time. I walked over to a free seat. It seemed like only the ones in the front were left. The teacher was already talking, so I just had to hope I hadn't missed much.
I stared at my binder, where I had written quotes from people I considered inspiring and Scriptures I liked to remember throughout the day.
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.” CS Lewis. Well, some classes felt like a waste of those minutes today. "Thirst was made for water; inquiry for truth." Another CS Lewis quote - but I didn't get to ask any deep questions today. Mostly I asked about the basic classroom rules... I don't know if I wasn't listening, or if the teachers just always responded so harshly... but there was a lot of information. I finally decided just not to ask any more questions for the rest of the day.
The thing is, nothing happened today. There was no moment when I didn't just feel ordinary. There was no moment when I could see anything of any significance, anything that might be a great opportunity to be a light to others, to encourage anyone in particular... I just barely got to my class, wrote down notes, and packed up just to repeat the whole process. I wasn't any different from any other kid this first day of school, and I didn't even have any new friends to distract me from the fact that I didn't recognize almost anyone else there.
Maybe tomorrow, I thought to myself. I hugged one of my binders closer on the bus, reciting one of the verses I had been staring at.
Romans 5:15
"But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many!"
Saturday, November 2, 2013
“Reality continues to ruin my life." - Bill Watterson
“Reality continues to ruin my life." - Bill Watterson
That describes what happened when I walked back into the house. I was out of breath, and my face was red as could be. I instantly observed the chaos - to my left, my mom yelled, "There you are! The dishwasher? Any day now!" My older sister slammed the bathroom door, which was directly down the hall from me. That's where my younger two sisters stood in the hall. One was holding a doll, saying, "You said the dog didn't have anything, when it was chewing off my baby's arm the whole time! That is not nice. That is so lazy. That makes me sad! It was my first baby doll I ever had!" The other one just stood there. My brother was throwing a ball against the inside of his closed door, so I heard, thump thump thump. The dog was barking at every other thump on the outside of the door. I would have to walk past all of that to get to my door...
So I walked in the kitchen to get a glass of water.
"Did you hear me at all?"
I stared at my mom, in disbelief that I could possibly be the person she'd been talking to that whole time. "I need some water - I went for a run," I said. "I'll get the dishwasher soon."
I won't be using the bathroom anytime soon, anyhow... I thought.
I had a sink in my room, but no shower. I started getting ready, making the best of what I had available. By the time I came back out to eat breakfast and take care of the dishes, I expected my older sister's turn would have been over, but she was still in there, and everyone else was still waiting for her. I went into the tiny, but abandoned kitchen - mom was getting ready now.
"Jaimie, can I use your sink?" I heard a quiet voice ask. It was my brother, Joe. "Only if you make sure the girls aren't going to follow you in - or at least get them out before I get my school supplies together, ok?" Amber and Anna loved to go in my room, but I wanted to get organized today, and that wouldn't be happening if they started jumping around with toothbrushes.
Just then I heard my mom tell Jessa that she needed to come out, and an argument started. I heard Joe ask Anna and Amber why they didn't go eat first, and reluctantly they came in and started pouring Cheerios and milk.
"Are you excited about school starting?" I asked them. Anna started chattering happily, but Amber didn't say anything. She often did that when something new was going on.
---------------------
Next thing I knew, I was standing in front of my new school. My brother and sister had already dodged inside, but I stood at the steps looking for any familiar face or direction of some sort.
That describes what happened when I walked back into the house. I was out of breath, and my face was red as could be. I instantly observed the chaos - to my left, my mom yelled, "There you are! The dishwasher? Any day now!" My older sister slammed the bathroom door, which was directly down the hall from me. That's where my younger two sisters stood in the hall. One was holding a doll, saying, "You said the dog didn't have anything, when it was chewing off my baby's arm the whole time! That is not nice. That is so lazy. That makes me sad! It was my first baby doll I ever had!" The other one just stood there. My brother was throwing a ball against the inside of his closed door, so I heard, thump thump thump. The dog was barking at every other thump on the outside of the door. I would have to walk past all of that to get to my door...
So I walked in the kitchen to get a glass of water.
"Did you hear me at all?"
I stared at my mom, in disbelief that I could possibly be the person she'd been talking to that whole time. "I need some water - I went for a run," I said. "I'll get the dishwasher soon."
I won't be using the bathroom anytime soon, anyhow... I thought.
I had a sink in my room, but no shower. I started getting ready, making the best of what I had available. By the time I came back out to eat breakfast and take care of the dishes, I expected my older sister's turn would have been over, but she was still in there, and everyone else was still waiting for her. I went into the tiny, but abandoned kitchen - mom was getting ready now.
"Jaimie, can I use your sink?" I heard a quiet voice ask. It was my brother, Joe. "Only if you make sure the girls aren't going to follow you in - or at least get them out before I get my school supplies together, ok?" Amber and Anna loved to go in my room, but I wanted to get organized today, and that wouldn't be happening if they started jumping around with toothbrushes.
Just then I heard my mom tell Jessa that she needed to come out, and an argument started. I heard Joe ask Anna and Amber why they didn't go eat first, and reluctantly they came in and started pouring Cheerios and milk.
"Are you excited about school starting?" I asked them. Anna started chattering happily, but Amber didn't say anything. She often did that when something new was going on.
---------------------
Next thing I knew, I was standing in front of my new school. My brother and sister had already dodged inside, but I stood at the steps looking for any familiar face or direction of some sort.
Friday, November 1, 2013
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” - Mae West
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” Mae West said that, so I wondered if she felt like she had lived a full, inspiring life. She was an actress and screenwriter, very controversial at the time because of things that I don't necessarily admire. But if she could look back and say she did live well, then I wanted to be able to say that about my life, in every aspect.
I like mornings. Everyone else woke up complaining, arguing, and reluctantly, half-heartedly throwing themselves together for the day. That just gave me another reason to get up even earlier. I silently slipped past my older sister's room, then my brother's, and then the room my two other sisters shared. I was holding my shoes in one hand, and my iPod in another. They might all think I'm wierd, but I didn't want to waste my life complaining when there were so many things to enjoy, like the sunrise I was anticipating.
Today was a morning I wanted to go right, so badly. I sat on the front porch and tied my shoes. This morning would be my first day of high school. "I guess I don't really know what to expect..." I said aloud. I liked to start my days with a short run, so I could think. "God, please show me what to do and say today, as I walk into school - I feel like the next four years of my life depend on what happens today..." I started stretching. Just then the sun brought a little more visibility over the treeline, and I started off to the path to the small lake on our property. I don't know if it was the endorphins from running, or what, but I started to feel really good about the day. Or maybe it was just the song on my ipod, "Red Letter Day" by NewSong...
I like mornings. Everyone else woke up complaining, arguing, and reluctantly, half-heartedly throwing themselves together for the day. That just gave me another reason to get up even earlier. I silently slipped past my older sister's room, then my brother's, and then the room my two other sisters shared. I was holding my shoes in one hand, and my iPod in another. They might all think I'm wierd, but I didn't want to waste my life complaining when there were so many things to enjoy, like the sunrise I was anticipating.
Today was a morning I wanted to go right, so badly. I sat on the front porch and tied my shoes. This morning would be my first day of high school. "I guess I don't really know what to expect..." I said aloud. I liked to start my days with a short run, so I could think. "God, please show me what to do and say today, as I walk into school - I feel like the next four years of my life depend on what happens today..." I started stretching. Just then the sun brought a little more visibility over the treeline, and I started off to the path to the small lake on our property. I don't know if it was the endorphins from running, or what, but I started to feel really good about the day. Or maybe it was just the song on my ipod, "Red Letter Day" by NewSong...
Introduction
National Novel Writing Month
I know I'm going to be travelling... and moving the first week of December... but I'm going to try this, this year.
http://nanowrimo.org/
I'm planning on writing about half an hour a day, and that's it. If I make anything of it, if I can write longer some days, if it's any good at all... then it's worth it. If it isn't... I tried!
Each entry will be a chapter, even if I end up combining chapters later. Enjoy!
I know I'm going to be travelling... and moving the first week of December... but I'm going to try this, this year.
http://nanowrimo.org/
I'm planning on writing about half an hour a day, and that's it. If I make anything of it, if I can write longer some days, if it's any good at all... then it's worth it. If it isn't... I tried!
Each entry will be a chapter, even if I end up combining chapters later. Enjoy!
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